This "Fool's" Eulogy For Her Uncle

 It's time for me to write another COVID eulogy - this time for my maternal uncle. With his passing my mom has now lost all her siblings and this one was especially hard as he basically book ended another COVID death, that of his wife back in 2020. I wrote about my aunt's passing in September 2020 and that was the last I talked to my uncle. He was 82 or 83 and lived a full life. It was not an easy one by any means as he always shouldered more responsibility than anyone else I knew, but I know he never dwelt on the difficulties and towards the end was blessed to spend sometime with his lovely grandkids.

I am personally grateful to him for a number of reasons some of which I talked about when his wife passed away. Now that I have had a few days to reflect on his life I felt I needed to say more. My grandmother used to say that my uncle had a lovely singing voice (something we've never heard) but he didn't have the luxury to indulge in music as he had to find a job at a young age and take on the responsibility of his family. My grandfather (who I never met) was diabetic and always ill. In addition he was naive and quick to anger. So he could not be relied on for a steady income and my uncle had to take on the burdens of providing for his family at a young age.

I have never seen him express love but actions always spoke louder than words. My mother wouldn't be where she is without his unflinching support towards her education and her career which made her financially independent at a time when most Indian women depended on their husbands for everything. My mom recounts how he was at her side when I needed a surgery as a baby and even yelled at my dad for not making it on time. He enrolled me in my kindergarten and I used to go to school staying with him. From that point onward he was there for every aspect of my life - my first school, my first job, my first trip abroad and being his niece he played an important role at my wedding. He was also by my side when my dad died. I remember a cook at the funeral didn't want to take the money from me (a woman) and asked if my uncle could hand him the check. My uncle refused and said - you take it from my niece who arranged everything or we will take your services for free!

What I admired the most about him was his directness in speech and action. He never used flattery or fancy words. He came to the point quickly, said everything to your face, and more importantly didn't do it to offend anyone personally. He was careful about money and didn't believe in frivolities. Long distance phone calls were not wasted on unnecessary niceties. The other thing I truly admired about him was the fact that unlike so many other aging Indians I know he would never once make me or any of us who owe so much to him feel guilty! I didn't have to call him regularly or inquire after him. He cared that I was happy, my child and husband were doing good and my career was going fine - but I didn't have to personally convey that to him. There was no "reading between lines and taking offense" - an art so many elders seem to have mastered - with him. Never once has he said things like "for everything I've done for you..." - these phrases never came out of him.
 

When he turned 60 many years back I got him a nice, designer shirt - not because I owed him that, but because I genuinely wanted to celebrate his birthday. I could see he was touched, but he said and I quote "Fool! Why do you waste money on me? You take care of yourself and you don't have to do anything for me." If you met him briefly you might not see the gentleness behind the rough exterior but if you took the time to warm up to him you were in for a treat! Even now my brother and I quote many of his pithy sayings and we find ourselves laughing over them. He never troubled anyone when alive and that's how he died. I heard that he donated his organs and I am sure he probably didn't want his son to go to any extra trouble regarding his last rites. 

People say that I have some of his features as my mom is just a female version of her brother (When I was a teenager I was once approached by a random person at a bus stop who asked me if I was related to Ramachandran! )As I look back on his life I hope I inherited more than his looks and the directness of speech - I hope I have the sagacity to adopt a WYSIWYG approach to life, not heap guilt on others and dwell on difficulties. I am sure if he read this eulogy the only thing he would've said would have been "Fool! Don't get sentimental." So I will stop the gushing now and simply say THANK YOU Mama!

Power of the Voice

 As a regular listener of Tiny Desk I am especially grateful to NPR for bringing these three artists into our lives - Khaira Arby, Tamino and the unbelievable Silvana Estrada. So when I heard Silvana was touring and was going to be in LA, I promptly got the tickets as I knew my 16 year old would not want to miss seeing her live. But is she worth driving through 3 hours of Friday evening traffic from San Diego to LA, standing outside for 30 minutes waiting for the doors to open, then listening to the opening act (Doris Anahi who was also really good!) for another 30 mins (all standing) and then hearing her for an hour and a half (continuing to stand) and then driving back home close to midnight? The answer is ABSOLUTELY YES!

 

My daughter and I were probably the only folks in the 400 people theater who did not speak/understand Spanish, but that didn't mean we didn't know the music. This was just pure soul, something that struck you deep inside whether you are 16 or 60. This was my daughter's first non-Classical/ non-Indian music concert and what a glorious way to start! She was so grateful to me for doing all the driving on a working day, but I told her that this was something my dad would do for me (except he never drove any vehicle, so i had to drive him to accompany me to anywhere I wanted to go) when i was her age and I am only paying forward. My dad's family loved all arts and were not limited in who or what they admired and I am so thankful for that openness in my upbringing. A soulful voice is a soulful voice is a soulful voice! Throughout the concert, although we were probably 6 feet away from her, we could not believe that she was real and her music was actually coming from within her.

 

I also have to say what an amazing crowd of people to share the music with! With the pandemic we all have lost what it felt to share a live experience with a bunch of strangers. This concert proved how important that was to the human experience. Here we were amidst a sea of strangers, most of whom spoke Spanish and seem to know the lyric of every song, sharing the delight of music. People were so kind and typing into my daughter's phone any song title she had not heard before, or just being polite not blocking the view and being sensitive to each other.

Doris Anahi in her opening act talked about how blessed it is to be from two cultures and that was a feeling my daughter totally understood. When she creates music she borrows the best from her two cultures and to hear such strong, thinking, feeling, emotional young female voices was life-affirming for her. Thank you Silvana Estrada for giving my daughter and I an experience that is firmly etched in our shared memories!