“A lot of mothers will do anything for their children except let them be themselves”. This is one of my favorite quotes attributed to an artist I admire very much and I’ve been proudly flaunting this on my signature. At that time I had no idea that this will come to bite me. Let me explain.
If you know anything about me, you know that I am not hesitant to use the F word to describe myself – yes I am a proud Feminist and of the old-school variety, so much so that my daughter in 5 years of her life has never seen even a lipstick in the house. When someone gave her a lipstick “piggy bank” she wondered why the “rocket” was an odd shape! Mom was always someone in trousers with only two sets of earrings and two sets of shoes and black was mom’s favorite color. Other women in Indian dresses and accessories to match were a novelty to be stared at and admired, but they lived in a parallel universe and would occasionally pop in to our lives never lingering long enough to cause any permanent damage.
But things have changed in the past few months. I find myself now in a war and here I am a mid-30 year old battle worn Amazonian warrior taking on 5 and 6 year old girls in pink dresses for the control of the most prized possession – my daughter’s heart and mind! Thanks to these little mercenaries with killer smiles, she has discovered the color pink and princesses and all the stereotypes that go with it.
I look back on the time when she was condemned to a life without friends. “How big is your dad? He is as big as Vy Canis Major”, not the answer that would make you popular in Kindergarten – Oh what happy times! Makes me almost forget the gnawing motherly guilt that made me decide that she needs a conversational currency to exchange with other kids her age. And so I opened a window of concession and the first princess storybook came into our home. I should have known that royalty in any form is dangerous. However big their kingdom, they are always on the look out for newer pastures, and like Leopold taking over the Congo, Snow white and Cinderella silently plotted against me to take over the greenest of minds which until then was my exclusive territory!
“Do you know Sleeping Beauty lives in a castle in Disney Land”? My clever retort - “Which part of the word Fantasyland didn’t you understand?”
“Do you know that girls like pink and purple and boys like blue?” Solution: “Today daddy will go to work in pink” – he, after all is collateral damage in the ongoing war!
“Why are there no pink shoes in REI? Don’t princesses go hiking?”
“Why don’t you like pink? I don’t think black is a color in the first place”
“Why do you ask so many questions?” I answered her question with a question to which she retorted “Who was that great teacher that you said told everyone to ask questions?” I shut up. Now I know why they gave him Hemlock! Here I was being accused of “hating” pink and therefore by extension all girls! Sonia Sotomayor had an easier time convincing Republicans that she was not a reverse racist.
I knew i had to dig deeper into myself to be able to call truce, and like Betteredge in “The Moonstone” who believed answers to all life’s questions can be found in Robinson Crusoe, I turned to my trusted confidant “To Kill A Mockingbird”. “You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... until you climb into his skin and walk around in it” the wise man said. I realized that just because I viewed the pinkilicious form of girlhood as a “starched wall of pink penitentiary” she doesn’t have to.
So I’ve decided to embrace this princess thing and I am learning to walk around in her shoes (or “glass slippers” I should say) as Atticus advised me. In this process, I realized that being a princess didn’t take away any of the other things that I feared she would lose, which were so unique to her - her love for hiking, gardening, weeding, star gazing, reading, making up silly poems. Show me a princess who can belch and burp like her anytime, at will and I will start wearing makeup and high heeled shoes! And by being her pretend friends, I realized that Cinderella and Snowwhite have been learning a thing or two about planets and bugs and rocks which I am positive neither their Fairy Godmothers nor their Prince charming could have taught them!
rotfl...i am going to think about this a bit and write a more detailed response...the biggest parenting lesson i've learned so far has been this: nothing is in my hands :) my kid is already humbling me and she hasnt even started to talk! *shudder*
ReplyDeleteVery well written although I have no idea what Hemlock is (is it a place and who is it given to?).
ReplyDeleteThat advice from Atticus is a gem. I try to "be that person" when I find myself disagreeing strongly with someone I know is sensible and thoughtful, but it is not easy. There is still that attachment to your ideas and beliefs and you ask "Why does it have to be this way? It doesn't make any sense."
Also, being in someone's shoes only works for folks you know very well, which is true in your case. Otherwise, you won't be able to "climb into his skin and walk in it". As an extreme example, try being the mad rioter that's going around burning houses and butchering people.
letting children be themselves - i think it only applies for the good ones :)...i am all for controlling the not-so-chamathu ones, like mine...she can choose to wear makeup or high heels when she is age-appropriate (no battle there i THINK) but what if her career goal was waitressing...she will know exactly how i feel about that...not that i can do much more than express displeasure tho.
ReplyDeletei am a bit unclear of what i should and shudnt control...she can run on the road but no playing with dirt or dogs on the way is where we are right now. my "rule book" as sarah calls it will evolve i think...just need to learn on the way from ppl like you what needs to go in and what needs to stay out :)